Distinctive

By Caroline Matas, Ph.D.

It’s my favorite time of year. There’s (finally) a chill in the air. My daughter and I take walks through the park and crunch every possible fallen leaf underfoot. Pumpkins adorn doorsteps, ghosts hang from windows and trees. Every evening, we get a faint whiff of a neighbor’s bonfire through our cracked windows.

Fall offers plenty of great metaphors for the college application season: it’s a time of transition, endings, new beginnings, a crossing over. Not to mention–we’re all getting a little spooked! 

The arrival of October, in particular, means the true race to the finish line for schools with early application deadlines. For students and parents alike, this often involves some panic and creeping dread as they assess what is left to cross off their to-do list before they can press the scariest button of all: “Submit.”

This is an especially spooky time for parents because, as much as they’ve tried to stay hands-off in their child’s application process, now’s the time it can feel like there’s too much to lose if they don’t meddle. If you’re a parent starting to feel this way, please know you’re not alone. However, as someone who’s seen how parents’ angst can affect their kid’s own approach to this critical time, I have a few pieces of advice to keep the season more “treat” than “trick.”

Don’t rewrite their essays
Your child has spent weeks and even months brainstorming, drafting, and editing their personal statement. It may even represent the piece of writing they’ve spent the longest on up to this point in their lives. Treating the work they’ve already done with respect is crucial. You can read a draft if your student wants feedback, point out a typo, or ask a question if something isn’t clear. But please don’t turn their personal statement into the essay you would have written. Admissions officers can easily sniff out when an adult has replaced their kid’s voice with their own. Be sure to respect their voice, their perspective, and their process, even as you give feedback on their drafts.

Don’t take over the process

At this point, your job isn’t to build your child’s college list for them. Don’t encourage them to add schools because you’ve heard they’re prestigious, tell them they should change their intended major, or push them toward a school because you like it. If anything, October can be a good time to help your student prune their list if they’re feeling overwhelmed. 

Be realistic with (and for) them 

On that note, if your kid is applying to extremely selective schools with acceptance rates that make admission a longshot for even the strongest applicants, it’s important to have an honest conversation about that. They can absolutely keep a few dream schools on the list, but don’t let a list become so reach-heavy that your student spends months pouring energy into applications where the likelihood of admission is very low while neglecting schools where they have a more realistic opportunity.

Don’t be afraid to let them experience a few natural consequences

The looming deadlines are terrifying, I know. And especially if you’ve got a kid whose executive functioning isn’t strong, it can feel like it’s your duty as their parent to micromanage their to-do list so that everything gets in on time. But, and this is advice I know I will have trouble swallowing when my own child comes of age, now is exactly the right time to let them learn from their mistakes. Did they prioritize other activities over writing their college essays, and now they don’t have everything together in time for those Early Action and even Early Decision deadlines? Well, okay! Every school has Regular Decision deadlines, too. Perhaps missing a deadline or two will be the natural consequence that pushes your child to take more ownership of the process. 

Don’t let your stress overshadow their stress
Take it from someone who works with high school seniors every day–whether or not they show it, your kid is stressed, too. When you’re worried about deadlines, essays, grades, and whether they’re doing enough, it’s easy to communicate that anxiety—sometimes without even realizing it. Instead, try your best to be a sounding board. Let them complain. Let them be frustrated. Let them vent about how much they hate writing supplemental essays. You don’t necessarily have to solve the problem every time. Sometimes they just need someone to say, “Yeah, this is a lot. I get it.”

Remember that this process isn’t a reflection on you

Your child’s college admission is not a referendum on your parenting. Their college isn’t a measure of your family’s success, nor will it necessarily determine the trajectory of the rest of their life. This is their application, their future, and their process. Your job is to help them through it—not to live it for them.

There’s no way to take the spook out of the spooky season, especially when it comes to applying to colleges. But by respecting your child’s ownership over their application process, you’ll ensure that, when they look back on this season, they’ll remember that you were in their corner—not another source of pressure. By the time twinkling lights replace skeletons on front porches, almost every part of the admissions process will be out of your family’s hands. What you can control, both then and now, is whether your home adds to the pressure of the season or provides a place where they can take a breath, regroup, and keep going.